Awakening Memories Book – Chapter “Love and Life”


Through my years I’ve been searching for love: love for music, that I found later by learning by myself how to play the piano; love for sports, which I found later when I had opportunities opened in front of me by joining a swim team, by playing volleyball with my good friends, and by competing in running in early years of my life; love for food, which I found later by graduating from the vocational school as a valedictorian and by working as a chef in different restaurants and bars, then later this love for food and cooking has stayed with me, and each time I can see it when I cook either for myself or for my friends; love for God, that I found in my life by being very religious in different organizations, by writing my feelings about my beliefs in God, and by helping many people to start believing in God as well.

I’ve been searching for love to writing, hoping that one day I’d write a piece of story that would intrigue many and that would be an eye opening for those that read it. I found this kind of love for writing by putting my thoughts and feeling on the paper for others to read. I found it through writing many poems as a child and a teenager, for which I received rewards. Those poems inspired and helped others. They carved a better person of me. I still write poems when I feel inspired.

I’ve been searching for love to other people that I didn’t understand in my young years, because I didn’t know how to share it with others. I always thought that this is the way of life when you don’t have to love back because I thought that my love was expressed through my deeds. Actually, it reminds me of one scripture in the New Testament that says that we show love through our deeds. I wasn’t aware of that scripture until I learned about it later in my life. However, somehow unconsciously I have already learned this kind of love to the people by helping them with whatever I could. And, I am glad that I’ve learned that kind of love to other people though deeds, because I could see how other people tried to help me in my life as well, by doing what they could to make sure that I had enough to eat, drink, or to have enough clothes to wear, so I feel comfortable to go to school and to live the life my peers lived that already had families to take care of them. I’ve been searching for love for education, which I found in my early years by studying hard and getting good grades. I hoped that one day the love for education would get me through school and that one day I would be well educated and have a good job that I will always love. This kind of love not only got me through school but also helped me to get educational awards in physics, math, and so on. This love helped me to get to places and different schools I couldn’t even imagine. It got me even more than I could have wished for. This kind of love helped me not only through my life but also it helped many others who struggled at school or had some personal matters that were hard to understand. I’ve been searching for love for life, because the life itself wasn’t so great for me and I needed to learn how to appreciate every day of my life that is always the first to the rest of my life. I needed to learn this kind of love for life in different difficult ways, because I wasn’t sure which direction to go during my youth and especially during my adulthood years. I have learned this kind of love by living in present every day of my life and looking at things as they are with a thought in my head that tomorrow will be better. However, whenever tomorrow had come to pass, and nothing better had been shown to me or nothing better had happened in my life, I continued to have this hope for tomorrow’s better days. And those days did come on occasions and it made my hope and beliefs in a better future stronger. Because I’ve learned the love for life, I am capable to dream big dreams and say “Why not?” today. This is my life and my love for this life has grown over the years.

But in this life, most of all, I have been searching for love from family, people, friends and, one day, from someone especial.

This kind of love was the hardest one to find. I had people and friends that loved me in front of me, but somehow benefited from it behind my back. The truth has not always been told and the pain was added to the pain I already had. Not only it hurt me the most when my friends or people I loved back unconditionally, it impacted my love to this life. I was afraid to lose already limited number of people and friends I knew, and I didn’t want to lose my trust to those people, because then who would I have gone to for help and to talk about my life’s ups and downs, about struggles and needs in my life? I didn’t want to lose this kind of love to people and friends I knew, trusted, and loved. That’s why I kept being naïve and gullible until my adulthood years when I had to learn to be different than I was in my youth. I am still that kind of person sometimes and I am still as a child left alone to learn how to walk with no help on its own. But, I have also had and still have friends and people that love me unconditionally and I am so happy about it. Their geniality continues to give me hope and helps me to understand that there is always someone to help me in times of sorrow and in times of trials.

I wish I could feel love from my family in my young years and years of struggles through school. Unfortunately, I had to look for the family that would love me unconditionally. I didn’t have a family, but I so wanted to have it. I so longed for that special love that parents give to their children. I so longed for that love that brothers give to their brothers or sisters and vice versa. I wanted so bad that kind of love from my family, but I didn’t have it, because I didn’t have a family. And, because I didn’t have it, I didn’t have any understanding what it meant to have a family to love, or to be loved in the family. I didn’t know what it meant when my mom would make breakfast and pack my school bag with lunch. I didn’t know what it meant when my mom would do the dishes, or wash my laundry so I feel good when going to bed. I didn’t know what it meant to hear nice pleasant songs from the mouth of my mom, or what it meant to hear nice rewarding words when something good was achieved by me at school. I didn’t know what it meant to go to camping or movies together as one great family on weekends and then after the movies eat always desired ice cream of any kind. I didn’t know what it meant to have your parents around you to guide you in different situations and to teach you to brush your teeth in the morning and at night. Because I didn’t have this kind of love from my own family, I didn’t know how to show my love back to a family, when I was in a foster care for 8 years of my life. Because I didn’t have this kind of love, I couldn’t know how to love back. I didn’t know what I needed to do to make my relatives happy that I’ve got and found later in my life. No, I couldn’t possibly imagine even how great it would be to have a family. But I have always longed for one. This kind of love I have never had until later in my life when there were totally new people in my life that showed their love through their actions. I believed that their love was unconditional, and still believe that it is unconditional, but I am afraid, as I was before that I haven’t showed my love to them as to my own family.

I feel that my new families welcomed me with opened hearts and arms, but I didn’t open my hart to them. It was difficult for me to accept something new in my life, because I have not had it for the most part of my life. I am not sure if I would like to return back to those years now and try to fix it, to show those new families my love, as they showed it to me, because I am still not sure how to show my love to them. I thought I knew how to show my love and appreciation to people, but I am not sure if I am doing it right, because love is hard to understand. I know that love has to be unconditional and patient and continuous, but I don’t know that this kind of love for people I have. I always say to my self I love people, but do I really understand what those words mean and if I do understand what those words mean, then how do I show this unconditional love to people?

Love comes from your heart, and the heart lies within you. The heart is the part of your soul and who you are. If love comes from your heart, then it should tell person being loved what kind of person he or she is. I’ve met different people that had great hearts and showed me their love. They were kind and caring people. Because they were caring people, some of them became a part of my family that I created in my mind. Basically, I have had many families that showed their love to me. Because I became a part of many families through my life, when a new family came to my life it was hard to decide whether they are the family that I will be a part of for the rest of my life or not.

Among all of this, I wished to have my own family. I longed for it. I wanted my mom and dad to be with me through my years of struggles. I wanted my dad to stand up for me when I needed it. I wanted my mom to visit my school and to be proud of her son, when the teacher would tell her about my success at school and about good grades. That would help me to get even more motivation to move forward and to grow even faster. I slowed down many times with my progression because there was no family when I needed it to tell me how to choose in my life, and what I could do with my life. I failed many times because there was no family to lean on. I needed to feel the love of the family in the years of my development. The love was a hunger I needed to feed, but there was no one to provide food for me. My heart was afraid and my love which lay through my heart was not shown to my dear families I made through my life. My love was like a flower that needed to be nourished because it was dying but there was no one to provide that nourishment for me in my life. Life was filled with emotions that I didn’t know how to express because there was no love from my own family. But I remained strong and because of small actions, support and love that were expressed to me from other people, friends and family, I continued to learn how to love, I continued to develop and grow from my own experiences. I lived to live and loved to be loved. I studied to be educated and I worked hard to achieve some release in my life, some independence and so I can help others showing my genuine love to them. I also had experiences so I can be experienced in what is good and what is bad, and so I can share my experiences with others. This is the only way I could learn how to love, because by loving others, I knew I would be loved too. And I wanted to be loved, until the day when someone special came into my life and has changed everything I thought the love meant to me. That someone special showed me not only unconditional love, but acted selflessly through the years of my life. I still don’t understand why I tried to deny it. I knew it was genuine love, but I didn’t show it back. Because of that we both struggled and I come back to that point where I am going to show down my personal growth and will not have life experiences of love to share with others. I don’t understand and I don’t know how to embrace it. I should probably learn how to do it. But again, it brings me back to that point where I think that maybe because I haven’t been loved this much before, I didn’t know how to embrace it.

Have you ever felt as if there is the only one person in this whole world you want to see and to be with for the rest of your life? Have you felt love through eyes, even there is nothing has been said to you? All you feel is good and happy. You are about to scream but you can’t because the tears are poring through your eyes and emotions block your ability to speak. You want to shout something good to another person but you can’t because your heart is shouting emotions through a gentle touch and a little smile on your face. You can’t imagine what it means to really fall in love from the first sight unless you experience it. You don’t want that kind of feeling to end but you know that it will. You want to make sure that you get the most of this while you can because you are not sure if you will ever experience that moment again. You want to make sure that every touch you make, you capture it in your senses, so you keep wanting more and more. You want to make sure that every smile you make is adored by the lover. You want to make sure that every breath your partner takes is captured by your nose senses. You want to make sure that the feeling you have is recognized by your partner and cherished for the rest of the night. This is something each of us is ought to experience at least once in life.

However, I want more. I want more of the time to look into another person’s eyes to recognize that he feels the same I do. I want more of the holding in each other hands close to each other’s hearts to make sure that my partner is as nervous about this special moment as I am. I want to make sure that this is the moment that could be remembered for the rest of our lives, remains in our hearts and memories as the best one in our lives. I want to say “I love you” but am not sure if it will be accepted well yet, even though my feelings say otherwise, and I know that he feels the same.

If I was to write a letter to my love of life, I would write the following:

Missing you a lot… I wonder how long this strange feeling is going to last? People can notice that something is happening with me. But even I cannot say what’s happening with me. All I can say I am going crazy and obsessed about you. I got headaches that make me feel good. I feel pain in my body, but it makes me feel comfortable. I miss bed cuddles, movies, food, and just fun times with you. Wish this moment continued to last forever. I can’t fall asleep because I am thinking about you. I am thinking about words that I chose when I spoke to you, to make sure you didn’t get offended and I didn’t hurt you, because even a word could kill. I crafted sentences carefully to make sure you recognize my sincerity and see my pure heart. I was somewhat afraid to say the word “love”, and instead, I used the word “like”, although I felt unconditional love so much at this time of my life. I have never felt so good and happy before.

I cry every night, thinking about you. I miss you, although it had already been only a few nights. I am really looking forward to seeing you again. I know that this is the first time I feel so attached to someone. I want to make sure that this feeling is kept in my heart forever.

I want to cuddle with you every night in front of the TV or while reading books together. I want to have meaningful conversations sometimes before going to bed, although I know that your eyes say everything they need to through the time we spend together. I want to watch you while you are sleeping, to see such an innocent face and a beautiful body that prompts me to put my hand on it and gently touch your body and kiss it one hundred and one times. I want to wake up next to you in the morning, although I know that you would be up already and adore my presence in your bed. I want to cook meals with you although I would rather have you take lead and cook meals for me, so I can kiss your back while you are cooking. You are so beautiful and priceless.

I will feel bad if there will be some other person in your life that takes advantage of you. I wish you goodness and best life you could possibly imagine to yourself. I am still not sure what exactly you are looking for in your partner, but I just want to make sure that when I am not here you can chose the person you will be happy with for the rest of your life even if it is not me.  I feel like that I may have taken advantage of you while being with you but I hope I didn’t hurt you with my selfishness. There were many times I have offended people, but I am afraid to hurt you. You are tender and I feel good about you. You are changing me the ways you can’t imagine. I know you can change me now and make me a better person. I want to make sure that I capture my thoughts and feelings I have about you. I am going crazy thinking about you. Although I may have not proven myself to be the best choice in this life, but I feel I deserve you and can offer you the things no one else could offer to you in this life. I know I can be what I used to be, the way people remembered me from my early youth years like a little innocent child that always needed help and love. The love that you can offer, the patience, kindness, and understanding that you can offer, make you so special and very helpful to those around you and to me, because I am so close to you, feeling your heart is beating.

There are a few of many reasons this strong feeling is in me, because I found you, who calls me beautiful instead of hot, who kisses me in the forehead and holds my hand in front of your friends, one who is carrying and doesn’t stop admiring my heart not only my body, who cooks for me breakfast in the morning and serves it to me with a kiss. Love every moment I spend with you, cherish every smile you share with me. I am very happy I saw you and kept you ever since in my heart. You are a treasure that is hard to find. But I found it, so priceless and beautiful.

Many times I thought that I may have found something I could continue to treasure and to show my love back, but unfortunately, I disappointed the loved person and disappointed myself. People are selfish, including me. I may not embrace the love with the right intentions, or may not capture the moments I should be capturing in my heart but I know that love is for everybody, including selfish people. Love can build a better person of me and many others who are seeking love. Love can nurture me and help me to move on in this love lacking world. I know that it is true that the world needs more love and that’s why, as two candles are bringing more light to the world, two people are better than one, especially if there is love among those two people. My family wasn’t there to give me that kind of love, but the life experiences had shown that people without love in their lives feel bloomy and may not experience the true meaning of the word “happiness”. Although, I am not suggesting that my life is blue and that I am not happy, but I am glad to know quite a few people who show to me every day what love and happiness means to them.

I like the following quote by Marion St. Claire from the movie entitled “Bride Wars” (2009), because it well puts my belief about love:

“Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there’s also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along.”

I have always needed love in this life and I think the only thing that is left for me in this life is to learn well how to cherish love when I find it.